Chapter Twenty
As I felt something like death’s icy breath brush my skin I had an experience halfway between a memory and a dream.
It had happened, I know it had because I could remember it in every day life, sometimes it crept into my head all on it’s own. That warm had that had relieved me of my pain for a few short moments was the trigger, for that weightless second she was there again and it was as though the two years since had never happened.
I knew in my deeper thoughts that I was still face down on the pavement, but there was still this image of Teresa that pushed though. She wasn’t exactly as I knew her, time had smoothed out all her flaws so that she appeared a beautiful ethereal Goddess.
I only ever had one night with her, and it was my only one night stand. Trust me, I’m not the type of man who goes to bars in the hope of sleeping with someone. That’s mostly because I know I never have a chance of sleeping with anyone, I don’t make a first good impression, and I’ve tried letting my personality win over my physical flaws, but it’s never worked.
When they bought in the smoking ban, instead of the heady and toxic smell of ash that hits the back of your throat, all you smell at a club is people. Sweat and dirt and the stench of a hundred bodies rubbing together, I imagine that’s what an orgy smells like. I was waiting for my friends to finish their drinking and dancing, sitting in an empty corner of the bar. It was late so the only people left on the seats were kissing couples and those few who actually made a connection and were shouting into each other’s ears.
There were more men like me occupying the empty tables near me, though instead of being fed up with the atmosphere and the smell, they were nursing their last drink of the night and thinking of that girl they almost kissed.
I wish I could say she drifted in like a dream, but my table was situated uncomfortably close to the bathroom, and she stumbled through the door and crashed right into my table. My beer wobbled pathetically and then rolled onto its side, she jumped out of the way but my trousers got the full hit, the worst part of the trousers too. I stood up surveying the damage helplessly.
She looked mortified. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she shouted over the din of music.
I ignored her, angry that my awful night had ended in embarrassment. I used a few paper napkins to dab some of the beer off, but there was little visible effect.
I saw her hand move to the one remaining napkin on the table. ‘Let me help,’ she screamed in my ear.
‘No,’ I immediately shouted back, I didn’t want some random drunk girl to be that close to my private area.
‘Can I at least buy you another one?’ She shouted.
‘The bar is about to shut,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘The bar is about to shut,’ I screamed. I hoped that would get rid of her, there were no other pleasantries to exchange. My new plan was to get a cab straight home, I could phone one of my friends in the morning. I didn’t think they would miss me anyway, there was no chance I would be invited out again after being such a let down tonight.
‘Can I please buy you a drink?’ She said, she seemed to be talking softer, but I heard every word. ‘They’re not closed yet.’
I looked at her for the first time, really looked passed the drunk girl at a club. She had dark blonde hair that was pulled up tightly, the ponytail streamed over her shoulder, over some bright spangled top hung with silver sequins. She was attractive, very attractive, she had big rose bud lips and pale blue eyes which glittered in the dull light and the reflection from her clothes.
‘Why the hell not,’ I forced a smile. She was out of my league, I didn’t expect anything to happen, but the idea of walking through the club with suspicious stains on my trousers filled me with a sudden dread.
She returned with two bottles of beer, when she clinked hers on mine a little froth landed on my shirt. She grimaced apologetically and I shrugged.
‘You don’t belong here,’ she smiled.
‘How could you tell?’ I shouted back. As I finished my sentence the lights flared up and the music stopped, the dim light was replaced by a blinding neon glow. I squinted as I heard drunken cries from below, some still singing along to the last song. The great hurricane of feet making their way down the stairs was intercut with the loud boom of the bouncers barking orders at the crowd.
She made no attempt to move, no one asked us to leave. Then I felt an unexplained shiver run down my spine, the bar had definitely been closed. She just smiled at me and sipped her beer.
‘Finally we can talk,’ she said.
‘I think someone’s going to kick us out,’ I said looking about nervously.
She shook her head and continued to smile.
‘What about my friends,’ I ventured, ‘they’re going to worry about where I am.’ I was starting to feel uncomfortable. She didn’t look drunk at all, and I could feel all the beer I’d had swirling in my stomach.
‘They don’t care,’ she said. ‘You spent all night avoiding them.’
‘How did you know that?’
She fixed her pale eyes on mine and I felt that shiver ripple through me again. ‘Lawrence,’ she said calmly in a half whisper, ‘come home with me.’
‘Okay.’ I didn’t even ask how she knew my name, my head was clear of all doubt.
The streets were deserted as we hit the cold air. The club had only just closed, there should’ve been a queue outside the kebab shop, there should’ve been a crowd still fighting over taxis. There was no one, and I could see the sun trying to force its way out of the darkness.
‘I’m Teresa,’ I had been about to ask her name but the words hadn’t come yet. I didn’t question it, she had her arm around me.
I don’t remember the journey back to hers, I strain my mind but I can’t grasp any details. When I think about that night I think about the cold air and the deserted street. I think about her eyes glittering and her sweet full lipped smile, but that’s all I can hold onto.
She took me up a narrow stairway into a room with red draped everywhere. There were red curtains tumbling too long and spilling onto the floor, a red bedspread and a deep plumb red colour on the walls. She kissed me in this red room, her lips were sweet under the faint tang of the beer she had just drunk and she placed her hands on my back and pushed me into her. I’m only a man, of course I reacted to having her body so close.
Not one word had been exchanged between us since she had told me her name, but it didn’t matter as she pulled my shirt off and started to undo my belt. Before I could make sense of the situation we were both naked. I found myself transfixed by her small breasts and the shadow of her ribs. She pulled me to the bed.
‘Wait,’ it felt strange to be speaking, my words felt slurred and clumsy. I found my wallet in my jeans pocket, because every man has one in his wallet, right?
She saw what I was doing and still without speaking she took it out of my hands and shook her head. It was awkward, how did I know she didn’t do this every weekend? She was beautiful and could probably have anyone she wanted, I just wasn’t sure if I wanted them too. I felt my hardness slipping embarrassingly away.
There was a moment when the air seemed to stand still, nothing moved, even the loose strands of her hair didn’t blow in the breeze from the open window. I was scared, blinking wildly, my heart racing. She took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. She didn’t just look at me, she saw through me, she saw everything that had been and she knew who I was.
I was ready to get my clothes back on and leave, the intensity of her eyes was painful. She placed her hand on the back of my head and that warm touch was enough to destroy all my fear, I saw flashes of blue cross the red walls. She pulled me back onto the bed and kissed me again.
It was as if the room were spinning, all the shades of red blurred together as I found my way inside her. She held my head in her hands and fixed my eyes on hers, she never broke the gaze. Her touch was warm and she made quiet shallow sounds, pulling me into her. I didn’t want to finish, I felt such a clarity, I was cleansing myself of so much. My hopeless life and all my disappointment was absolved in a moment. Maybe this was it, the life changing sex that no one really has.
It was her eyes, I still felt that she knew me and accepted me, and I wasn’t afraid of that anymore, I just let myself drown. But it couldn’t last forever, and I was soon sleeping like a baby as she ran her warm fingers through my hair.
When I woke the next day she was gone. I had to tiptoe out of an empty house with no clue how to get home, and I didn’t have her number. All I had was a name and one night. My legs were shaking as I found my way to a train station, I didn’t think it would get any better than that. I resolved to start living after that night.
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